WEEKEND WITH HONEY - a new comedy series being
slated for the Fallofftheshelf Line Up - to prove that the writer has plenty of
material - here is just a little bit of what occured on one weekend - not so
long ago - shall we call it:
HONEYDO and the CAN'T ELOPE?
xena: so this weekend - billy was
in the mood to "change things a bit" chance: yes xena: i went down saturday early to
start my project for class and figured i would finish it today
xena: but nope xena: he comes down
xena: in his "outfit" with his
dockers and his gold chain - his weekend jewelry chance: hashaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
xena: and he says - so you think we
have another tv in the workroom? xena: i say yes we do
xena: he says what is it from
xena: i said from the store
xena: so the first box has the old
chandelier xena: the second box from the Bose
is empty THROW THE FUCKING BOX OUT i am saying to myself xena: he says i think i will throw
this box out xena: TA DUM chance: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
xena: in the last box - there it is
- a color tv xena: another one
xena: i say - there it is - but it
will not fit into the wall unit - in the basement xena: he says yes it will - i said
- it is too deep we will have to take off the back of the unit
xena: he says nope -
chance: you mean you had a color tv
you didnt know about xena: who is right
chance: you are xena: yes we had a tv that we were
"saving for the wall unit downstairs and YUP i am right xena: he says - it is okay it is
bottom heavy - i said so am i but i still do not stay on the shelf
chance: hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
chance: you are a riot
xena: so he laughs - and we bring
out the tv - we both have to lift it and we put it in the unit and TA DUM - it
is three inches deeper than the unit - he says - it wont fall - i said - but it
cant be right up against the teak - he says - oh xena: soooooooooooooo now we will
take off the back of the unit xena: like i said
xena: and then we will MOVE THE
WHOLE WALL UNIT to the other side of the room xena: and set it up
xena: as i have wanted to but i got
mixed reviews xena: AND then chance: yes xena: are you ready - we werent
finished xena: and so it is now 3 PM and i
still havent done ANYTHING but yet chance: keep going xena: i tell him - okay - while you
are home - there is one chair that i cannot move myself - that is the big pink
chair that is in the library - xena: i want it up in the janet
zone xena: so he says - NO PROBLEM
chance: i am hysterical
xena: now i have moved every
farking piece of furniture in this house by myself xena: EVERY PIECE no lie
chance: i know that xena: including the walls
hahaaaaaaaaaaa chance: because you are WOMAN and
billy is man xena: so he takes the legs and i
grab the back of the chair which has nothing to hold onto and the material is
slippery xena: so - the material is slipping
and he says to me - did you want to stop on each stair tread and i said - yes
that would be a good idea - but why dont you just push the chair up the stairs
and i will guide it xena: SO we get it up the stairs -
we get it down the hallway xena: and start to put it in the
room and WAIT xena: WE CANT PUT IT IN THE ROOM
xena: the chair is too wide for the
door xena: WAY TOO WIDE
chance: hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
xena: and he is moaning - do i have
to take the door off xena: i said
noooooooooooooooooooo xena: we can do this
xena: turn it and stand it up on
its end and then we can get it into the room xena: he said - no it will not
work xena: i said yes it will but does
he listen to me xena: no chance: he should know not to argue
with you xena: sooooooooooooo for 12 hours
the chair sat in the hallway - blocking the doorway to the guest room
xena: i said leave it there - i
will just sit in the chair and check the guests in from there xena: and this way people can wait
to use the bathroom sitting IN THE CHAIR IN THE HALLWAY BLOCKING THE
DOOR! chance: hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa was it
supposed to get smaller sitting there? xena: does this make sense?
chance: yes it does xena: nooooooooooooooo so today -
ohhhhhhhhhhh today it was a pisser xena: he decides to put in the
cable modem - but first - FIRST we have to move MORE FURNITURE
xena: MORE xena: the bookcase and the smaller
piece next to the desk xena: and what happens - i am
taking all the books and records out - i am making sure everything is safe
xena: and i hear a crash
chance: i am afraid to ask
xena: HE decides to move the
bookcase by himself while my back is turned and he crashes into the shelves
which have glass candle holders and the kids things xena: oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnoooooooooooo xena: sooooooooooooooo i go and get
a baggie to put the glass in xena: and i tell him to PLEASE
CEASE FROM ANY MOVEMENT xena: so he steps away and i take
everything out of HARMS way and take everything down and the shelves now have to
come down and he says - that he will need his drill to make the cable hole
bigger because I JUST HAD IT SEALED OVER FROM THE PAINTERS xena: and the whole hook-up is in
the JANET ZONE chance: hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
xena: am i happy? more dust more
drilling xena: soooooooooooo he goes
downstairs meanwhile i get my screwdriver and start taking out the screws
holding up the shelves and he says - what are you doing with the little
screwdriver xena: i say - taking out the
screws xena: he says - you need a bigger
one this is too slow xena: i said - i have one to go
chance: hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
xena: i am NOT too slow
xena: and you should kiss the
ground i am walking on because NO ONE HAS A WIFE LIKE YOU DO xena: and he sighs and says oh
yes xena: and i said - THAT BETTER BE A
GOOD OH YES xena: and he rolls his eyes and
says I AM ROLLING MY EYES and i make him laugh xena: so chance: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
xena: then the bookcase needs to be
moved and he starts moving it and i say - TAKE IT SLOW he says I GOT IT
xena: and then CRASH
xena: right into the FAN AND THE
LIGHT FIXTURE chance: hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa oh my god
xena: i say WHAT ARE YOU DOING
xena: he says moving this
xena: I SAID STOP PLEASE so he
moves it again - thinking he is getting it out of the way xena: and what happens?
xena: HE CRASHES THE BOOKCASE INTO
THE FAN AGAIN xena: this time the fan and the fan
fixture are now hanging off kilter from the ceiling xena: and i just start laughin
xena: i said - look at this -
xena: LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE
xena: so we step outside in the
hallway - and there you can readily see that the fan is out of the ceiling AND
the light fixture is crooked - and he says - it is A LITTLE OUT OF WHACK - i say
A LITTLE? xena: so then i say - leave it just
leave it alone - i will take care of it when i want to xena: and when YOU ARE NOT HOME
xena: hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
chance: my eyes are tearing from
laughing xena: then we have to push the
cable through the wall - he says i cant find the hole - i said go into the janet
zone - and i will show you where the cable is from this side xena: he goes in and says i cant
see it - i tell him - the flashlight is on my nightstand - because of the
blackouts we have been having xena: get the flashlight and shine
it into the hole and i will see it and push the cable through xena: he does and i do
xena: and whoo xena: and whoosh - then i tell him
- get in the computer room and i will tend to things in the janet zone
xena: but he has to hook up the
four way splitter or such and it is on so tight that he needs his special
pliers xena: and i go potty
xena: by the time he comes back - i
have already vaccummed up the mess xena: and he is finished then with
the cable and ready READY TO DO THE TWO EASY STEPS xena: so he inserts the first disc
- NOTHING xena: the second disc NOTHING
xena: the first again
xena: NOTHING xena: the second disc NOTHING
xena: he then starts whining - this
happens only to me - i am the only one in this world that this shit happens to -
everyone else always has it easy except me -everyone else has an easy time of
EVERYTHING xena: ENUF i said WHINER xena: you and jason and lee are
just whiners xena: holly and i are sick of this
sick i tell you sick sick sick xena: whiney boyz just whiney
boyz chance: hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
xena: get your acts together OR
ELSE xena: if i had know you were a
whiner i wouldnt have had kids either xena: and then he looks at me and
says i am going in for a shower with his head hanging down saying- then i will
phone COMCAST xena: and he is whining still
xena: and so xena: he goes in to the shower
xena: and i follow
xena: and i say xena: whiner whiner whiner nanny
nanny boo boo xena: what else are you going to
whine about today xena: and i make him a little bit
happier but still he is pouting xena: his thundercloud look and he
thows WATER ON ME and starts laughing.finally xena: and then he FINALLY CALLS
COMCAST xena: and what is it?
xena: not a problem
xena: the woman who sold us the
equipment - couldnt call in the serial number - it was too late - WE HAD TO to
register with comcast so that THEY could log us on xena: then xena: one xena: two xena: not even three -
xena: we are UP AND RUNNING
xena: and i said - are you going to
whine somemore xena: and he starts laughing
xena: and then says - i need to go
sit down xena: i said go ahead because IN A
HALF FARKING HOUR WE ARE GOING TO DINNER WITH THE LOONIES xena: and he laughs more
xena: and then xena: TA DUM xena: the end of the story
xena: for now xena: to be continued when i assess
the damage he has done to the fan chance: i have 2 questions
xena: he said - no one else does it
cost xena: three hundred dollars for a
new fan and an electrican to come out after they hook up the cable modem
xena: i said - look at it this
way xena: this year you do not have to
buy me diamonds xena: hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa xena: yes what are your questions
chance: what happened to the chair
and was he still dressed in his dockers and chains moving everything?
chance: you guys really need me there
i will teach him xena: the chair is now back down in
the library - the rocking chair is in the living room - because i had moved it
on friday from my bedroom and put the old chair in the bedroom
xena: and nope he wasnt wearing his
dockers today - it is sunday - sunday is jeans and poloshirts day
xena: but yes his chain was on but
that was after and much discussion on which side of the bagel was toasted.
another problem with the toaster - if he TOUCHES it i will burn his ass
nevermind the toast. chance: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa thank you
for the laughs. the end.